HELLO E V E R Y B O D Y!
WOW. April is pretty much over now. Do you know what that means? IT’S GONNA BE MAY! HA HA. That Justin Timberlake episode NEVER gets old. HEHEH. Let’s go listen to *Nsync later.
TODAY, I have my beautiful imaginary girlfriend DAISY sitting in to help answer questions because evil sinbeau was OUT OF CONTROL last week. He is currently in time out so if any of you RUDELY want to speak to him, Daisy is gonna answer instead. SAY HI DAISY!
Daisy says: Hello!! I’m so excited to be here! EE!!
ME TOO, DAISYBELL!!! ME TOO!!!
How about we answer some questions?
SINBEAU TO START? REALLY?
This GREAT anonymous question is for Sinbeau (but Himbeau can answer too if he wants).
My Aussie wants to start a Substack called NO BEAUS ALLOWED. Everyone can read it, as long as their name doesn’t contain the word “Beau.” All she writes about is butter. What do you think?
Wow. What a great question. FOR SINBEAU. Sigh. Well, darling?
Daisy says: Wow! What a splendid question! You should say splendid sometimes, sugar cookie. I think it’s more fun to say than great ^_^
I assume your Aussie is a dog!? They are so very smart, no wonder she loves to write. And about butter no less. I think she should do it! I also think that while it might make Beau very sad, it’s the kind of content people would love to read. Beau might make a scene of being surly, but that’s only because he doesn’t like to miss out on all the latest popular trends. Deep down, I know he wouldn’t want to deprive the world of content for his sake. He’s sweet like that.
Plus, if I’m being honest…it’s kind of funny to exclude him.
Daisy???? :/
Daisy says: 😘
substack crush? 🥰😏✨🥰💕🥰✨
WOW! What a great question, anonymous reader!
Is this a new flavor of Crush soda? Called substack?? Well, I guess since the substack logo is orange, that substack crush might literally just be orange Crush? I LOVE ORANGE CRUSH IT’S SO DELICIOUS. Do you remember that live action Nickelodeon Show, Keenan and Kel? When Kel saw orange soda he used to get EXTRA hype. That’s basically me. I’m all about this.
Daisy says: Sugar cookie…I think they mean ‘crush’ as in love interest?
Oh. Well in that case: DAISY OF COURSE!!! :D
Daisy says: It’s okay, you can answer. I’m not the jealous type! Also, I’m imaginary so….
I don’t do substack crushes! Those get you in lots of trouble.
Daisy says: Well, in that case how about your read one of mine??
DAISY?! This is two 11x17 pieces of paper. With names typed in size 10 font?! Why are you nodding so excitedly? Okay, okay. Maybe I will just read one name for the sake of it…umm…@George Lopez!!
Fair choice, Daisybell!
Q: If You Were A Fruit, What Is The Speed Of Distance In 1974?
WOW! This is the best question so far, ANONYMOUS reader.
I have two answers for this, actually, if you please will humour me. So if we are talking a fruit BOTANICALLY, then the speed of Distance is 6, which, adjusted for velocitation, is 17 in 1974.
BUT. If we’re talking CULINARILY, then the speed of Distance is 11 which is roughly 32 in 1974.
Generally speaking, no one likes it when you get botanical about fruits because it’s kind of like being the grammar police, but I though I had to do my due diligence.
Q: cat ?
WOW, what a great question anonymous reader!
Are you asking if I have a cat? NO. Are you asking if I like cats? YES! Are you asking if I operate heavy machinery manufactured by the caterpillar corporation? NO, but that would RULE. Perhaps you are asking about someone named cat? I HAVE SEVERAL friends named cat that all are great people.
Yes, what is it Daisybell?
Daisy says: What if we got a cat? Could we? I’d like to call him Britches.
What if they only have girl cats?
Daisy says: Well, I think Britches would still work. But we could call her Bridget! =^-.-^=
Do you think the dogs will be okay with it? Hmmm….
Daisy says: They are such sweethearts! Let’s go to the shelter, sugar cookie!! I know how much you love looking at kitties!
OMG RIDDLE
If you were legally required to select one specific, non-edible household object to carry with you at all times to ensure societal safety, what object would you choose and what is your justification for its effectiveness?
WOW! What a great riddle anonymous reader!
Daisy says: Is this a riddle, honeycake?
I think so? Isn’t that just what you call a tricky-to-answer question?
Daisy says: Um, I think it has to be sort of puzzly. Like it has a double meaning. Otherwise, it’s just a tricky-to-answer question.
OH. You are so smart! WAIT. What if I call you Daisy RIDDLEY? Like the famous Star Wars actress!
Daisy says: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sugar cookie ^_^. We are getting off track.
Sorry! So…I suspect Anonymous Reader said non-edible household object because they assumed I woulda said CHICKEN TENDERZZ. Fair play, AR. So, I read a hitchhiker’s guide once that suggested taking a towel everywhere cuz you can use em for warmth, comfort, and even a weapon. It’s really hard to argue with that! Remember that time we used towels to make a rope swing over the river? Good ol square knots and a towel. WOW. Unbeatable. I’m really not sure I can top “towel,” Daze. You can use it for a clothes, or signaling. You can make a pillow out of it!
Daisy says: Yes! Those are all good points. But…humm. The question says “societal safety” so I am thinking a pen might be a good answer! The pen is mightier than the sword, as they say. With a pen, you can write laws and contracts to help keep order and solve problems. You could use the pen as a weapon, if you really had to. A couple well-placed thrusts….
Wow, good answer! But that would be awfully messy…a towel could clean that up, and if you used a towel to garrote someone, it wouldn’t even make that much of a mess.
Daisy says: True, if not extremely messy, sugarbunch! But with a pen, I could also write down instructions for making more towels, which I think could be handy? How about you bring the towel, and I bring the pens? ^_^
Golly, you’re so smart!
ELEPHANT PATROL!!
Q: Considering the current economic climate, if you had to replace your car with a fully grown, trained African elephant, what logistical adjustments would you make to your daily commute to ensure you remain on schedule?
WOW what a great question! ANONYMOUS Reader!!
I LOVE elephants almost as much as I love monkeys! THEY ARE SO SMART. Have you ever seen that old cartoon, George of the Jungle he had an elephant friend Shep who was kinda like a dog. OH AND tookie tookie! What a fantastic show. He was kinda like tarzan—
Daisy says: Honey, you’re sidetracking again. ^_^
Oh. Sorry. I’m glad you’re here. So I don’t actually commute daily, which is a massive privilege, I know! I work from my home office. If I replaced my car with an elephant it would probably cost me WAY more money because I’d have to feed my buddy lotsa veggies, but I bet I could teach it to play pickleball! When I was a kid in school, we visited some elephants and they LOVED to play soccer. I bet they would also love pickleball. I suspect the garage isn’t big enough for an elephant either…hmm.
Daisy says: I do commute to work! I usually ride a bicycle to the school where I teach, or to the baseball diamond where I umpire little league baseball games. I think an elephant walks about as fast as a human, maybe a little faster, but when I walk to work or the park, it takes me about three times longer to get there. If I was taking Piper (isn’t that a swell name for elephant?!) to work, I would probably need to leave about a half hour earlier than I normally do. I think I could probably shelter her at the bus garage, and my students would love to meet her at recess!
I bet you could also trick them into giving Piper a bath so I wouldn’t have to do it. Hehehe! Don’t worry, I would make sure she gets lots of hay in the mornings and she can have some of my bananas. Think of the savings on oil changes and tires! And brakes!
ANOTHER SINBEAU?? BOOOO!!!
FOR SINBEAU ONLY !!!
will you butter my toast ?
Wow. Ok. FINE. Daisybell?
Daisy says: *ahem* what a splendid question, anonymous reader! (it’s so fun!) But yes, I will butter your toast for you ^_^ do you like it when the toast gets a little soggy with butter? That’s one of my favorites!
Um…Daze…I think this might be…suggestive. Because it was for Sinbeau. He certainly would have taken it that way, I think.
Daisy says: Oh? Oh! I see. Well…yes! I love buttering toast, in that case! Oh, don’t get jealous, sugar cookie, it’s all just for fun. Besides you know how much I like buttering-
OKAAAYY, I think we’re set here! Moving on.
Q: What should I spend my tax return on? I got about $600 for reference. Options on the table are: bills, roller skates, don’t spend it, and art supplies.
WOW what a great question, anonymous reader!
Conventional wisdom says you SHOULDN’T spend it and should save it. It also says you should spend it on bills so that you free yourself from financial obligations faster.
BUT.
Roller skates. FER SURE. Life is short, and you should be able to enjoy it. Few things are as enjoyable as whooshin around a rink in some slick new skates. You should be able to buy a pretty good pair and have money left over for some art supplies….
AND CHUH-ICK-EN TENDERSSSSS of course! All that tasty protein will make your muscles strong for some powerful skate seshes.
YAYSY DAISY!!!
I heard Daisy would be answering questions this week, so I have one for her! What is it like to date the illustrious (Him)Beau?
Daisy says: Wow, what a splendid question, anonymous reader! (it really gets more fun the more you say it? it’s like magic!). My little honeycake is wonderful! He keeps imagining me so I can exist and invites me to all sorts of interesting places. Sometimes, I think he works a little too hard trying to be nice to me; it’s a lot of pressure for a girl to feel like she’s put on a pedestal, you know? It makes you feel like if you ever make a mistake, it’s going to be devastating: the illusion of perfection will shatter. We’re human, and I’d rather have the closeness of equal footing than the distance of being a step above. But, it comes from a well meaning place, which is the important thing to remember. But as you probably know, constant communicating is the key to preventing a situation like this turning into resentment. It takes a lot of work, which can often feel very difficult some days. He’s a human too—certainly more than I am—and I try to remind him that the pressures and expectations he has on and for himself should be healthy. I hope we have learned a lot from each other, and will continue to ^_^
MORE DAISY!?
This question is for Daisy :) What is your ideal date? And is it something you think everyone should do with their partner?
Daisy says: Wow, this is a truly splendid question, anonymous reader!
Can I give two answers? Great. First: Going to a nursery (the plant kind, teehee) is SUCH a fun date. You get to be among greenery and all the fresh smelling flowers and dirt and herbs. You get to spend time together talking and most ladies will tell you how sexy it is when a man has a green thumb (nurture me, baby). If he’s clueless about plants and you get to share your passion with him, that’s also a very fun time. If he doesn’t care…well you’ve “weeded” him out. How’s my pun game, sugar cookie? It’s sooo sweet when you buy a plant together: we have some raspberry bushes that remind me of last spring. Using the berries to make jams and cookies means I’m literally making them with love ^_^
Second: Two words. Book. Store. It’s kind of like a nursery, but for stories. There’s plenty of topics to discuss: what kind of books and stories do you like? It’s a great way to find out how their mind works, what they are nostalgic for, and perhaps most importantly of all, how curious they are. If he doesn’t read and doesn’t want to try: PASS. They should invent a new color of flag more profound than red for that. Super bonus points if he buys you a new book or three!!
Now, after the trip, I really love a nice spaghetti dinner. Hard to beat that (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a childhood favorite book for me). But! I will say, there’s nothing quite like getting a massive sub from a deli. I know it would be cute to share and all but…eff that!
In the evening, I really love ████████ before taking a long, hot bath. Candles and lotions and a lavender scented salt scrub. Have your man bring you a glass of red (just one) so afterwards you can put on your ██████████ and even though they’re a little uncomfortable your █████████████ but they tend to drive men nuts.
After you’re all dressed for the occasion, you lay on ████████████████████ █████████ ███████████ and then have him ████████████████ and ██████ and it feels like magic. If he’s good to you, you’ll get at least █████████ ██████ █████████ █████████! And then it’s time to reciprocate. I recommend starting from the top and working your way down, paying special attention to the spots that make him sigh; those are the tender areas that need a sweet little kiss. Then ████ █████ ███ ███████ █████ and ███████ █████.
Finally, the REAL fun begins. ███████████ █████ and a little kissing is nice too ██████ but ███████. Don’t rush. Sometimes, switch it up and face the other way while he █████████ █████████ ██████. █████████ ████████. ███████!! And then when he puts his fingers in your hair, █████████ ██████ and just make sure you tell him ██████ ███████ ███ ██. It’s sooooo amazing.
And YES. Emphatically yes, I recommend it!
…..DAISY DELILAH DEXTER!!! THIS IS TMI!!!!!!!
Editor Note: Himbeau begged me to censor this because he was so embarrassed by the content. I don’t know why, I think the censoring he chose makes it look far, far more suggestive than what she actually said, but he paid me $317.92 to let him take a sharpie to the transcript. No skin off my back. I’m going to buy some roller skates, art supplies, and chicken tenders.
Q: Work has really been taking me away from the Substack life and I miss hanging virtually with my friends. Obviously, I should quit my job, right?
WOW what a great question, anonymous reader!
There is this famous folk song that goes “work sucks! I KNOW!” that’s pretty much the only words of it I know. It might say something about small things. Who can say.
SPIRTUALLY: I say you should quit your job because of this.
PRACTICALLY: Because we have organized our society in such a way, it’s necessary for just about everyone to have a job in order to survive. You need food, heat, shelter, and of course an internet connection! Without a job, you can’t really have a Substack life.
HOWEVER. Just get on substack while you’re at work! Then you can get paid to hang out with your friends!! HEHEH!! Just make sure you do your job well enough that they continue to pay you.
Daisy says: Hmm, sugarbun, you kind of sounded like Sinbeau there for a second. I kind of liked it I think—
WELL OKAY NEXT QUESTION!!
DAISY TO END IT!!!
to DAISY:
what’s your favourite flower?
Daisy says: Well, what a splendid question, anonymous reader! Flowers are the best aren’t they? My favourite flower changes frequently. You might have assumed it’s the daisy, being my namesake, but they aren’t favorite (I still enjoy them!). Himbeau really likes hibiscus, which are lovely, and they attract hummingbirds here in the late summer. We have hydrangea and I have carefully adjusted the pH in our soil so they have a nice fuschia color. I so enjoy geraniums and tulips—oh my god tulips!—and everyone likes roses, but that’s sort of like saying everyone likes chocolate. Daffodils and jonquils are swell, especially this time of year…but what I’m really, truly, devastatingly ACHING for?
Lilacs! Ours are almost in bloom. For a few weeks in May, the house smells just perfect. I am so excited. I’ll make sure you see pictures of it. I know a guy ^_^
WELL What a great buncha questions you guys! I’m glad for THE MOST PART you stopped asking Sinbeau stuff and started asking DAISY things. Isn’t she the most bestest? I’m a big fan, and I’m sure you are too! YAY! Sinbeau will probably come back next week, if he promises to behave. If you wanna keep askin’ daisy stuff to you can. YOU KNOW DE DRILL:
Me and Daze are going to get lunch. She says she wants some toast!! That’s so easy. SEE YA LATER CROCODILE!
OK I only support this bec apparently Daisy is a lil freak and today is fly your freak flag day.
Anyone who is redacted is a winner.
Don't let Sinbeau get too close to her.
Well shit. I'm in love, Daisy Delilah Dexter.