Hello E V E R Y B O D Y! Welcome to the Question Qave (Producer note: I hate this name, but I have been outvoted. Himbeau note: QQ is awesome though????) I heard you were all having trouble being humans and needed some help. I’m kind of an idiot but I love to help people so I opened a form to do the best I can. My friend Fred always says that just doing your best is all you need.
We got a bunch of questions asking for help! For some reason, one of the hardest things to do in the world is ask for help, so GOOD FOR YOU! My hated rival Sinbeau is here and might weigh in on some questions but keep in mind he is kind of terrible and untrustworthy.
LET’S GET STORTED:
Q: advice on how to beau my watson?
Wow! What a great question, Anonymous Reader.
Starting with a softball here. We love to ease into things. There is a very easy solution to this: beaus are WEAK for chicken tenders. Just give your watson a chicken tender and it will become beau within 7 to 46 minutes.
Q: how do i find more hot single knights in my area
Wow! What a great question, Anonymous Reader!
Have you tried putting a plate of chicken tenders under a big box that’s been propped up by a stick? If you tie a string to the stick you can yank it out when the knight goes under the box to eat the chicken tenders EASY PEASY!
If you don’t have a box, stick, string, or chicken tenders (cuz you ate them, they are hard to resist BELIEVE ME) you could try hosting a Fancy Jousting Tournament! Make a flyer that says “FANCY JOUSTE TOURNAMENT - Hot single knights ONLY” and you will have way more hot single knights than you know what to do with. But if you need advice on what to do with them….HAVE A JOUSTING TOURNAMENT??? Give the winner lots of kisses, but then he may become a hot taken knight (he’s taken with you, you hottie, which is maybe what you want???)
Sinbeau says: HA HA! Go on tinder and say “hot single knights to the front”
LONG SERIOUS QUESTION:
Dear Himbeau,
I think it’s genuinely hard to be a man on the internet right now. The line between hot pursuit and creepy is razor thin and I have sympathy for the navigation.
But I’m on the other side of this particular equation. There’s someone in my orbit — we know each other professionally, there’s obvious mutual interest, but he’s keeping things carefully contained. I suspect he’s being respectful. I also suspect he’s hiding behind respectful.
How do I signal that the door is open without having to literally open it myself? I’m not opposed to making a move but I’d love to give him the chance to be the one who walks through first.
What does green light actually look like to a man who’s trying to be careful?
Wow, what a GREAT question, Anonymous Reader!
There are two kinds of men on the internet, I think: the idiot reptiles who barge around being jerks, and the thoughtful boys who are aware of damage done by the reptiles. They overcompensate and miss signs because they are very sensitive about NOT being a reptile.
The advice I give my friends for when they like someone these days is to just be weirdly direct about it: tell her “hey I am extremely attracted to you.” And let her process and respond in kind. There’s an even chance she’s looking for an apple but you’re an orange and that’s okay—it has nothing to do with you, buddy. It’s her loss for not likin’ oranges. Learning to accept rejection is a hard callus to build, but it beats the heck out of living in emotional limbo.
However, it sounds like you don’t want to be the initiator here, which complicates this situation. It means you’re playing chicken with a guy who’s playing chicken tenders (omg yum). I think, however, there’s a way to guide him to where you want if you are willing to be a little patient. First, you need to establish comfort talking about relationships “anyone you’re interested in?” Use little compliments that will make him wonder “hmm are they flirting?” I think recognizing his emotions and intelligence are good places to start, even if you find him physically attractive. We’re trying to establish EMOTIONAL safety after all; that’s what a careful boy is looking for.
After a few days of developing safe feelings, this will become “ok I’m pretty sure they’re flirting…?” and in time he’ll get to the point where his curiosity is too much to handle and he will overtly flirt back. Probably. There’s a small chance some past emotional trauma means he doesn’t have the confidence to reach this point. If you REQUIRE him to be the initiator, this means he won’t be what you’re looking for.
All this to say though: just rip the band aid off and be like “you get that I like, really like you, right?” It might feel a little embarrassing, but a minute of weird is worth a month of worry!
Good luck <3
Q: Hi it mousy i need a tattoo???
Wow, what a great question Anonymous Reader (u spelled anonymous wrong lol)
Get the tattoo! I personally think my body is a temple and temples shouldn’t be graffiti’d. HAHA just kidding. I don’t actually believe that but I thought it would be cool to write. However, I change my mind all the time. For example, sometimes I want chicken tenders but later I find that I actually wanted SPICY chicken tenders and I’m sad that I didn’t do that instead. This is why I don’t get a tattoo. BUT if you have an idea that is so special to you that you think it should be worn on your skin at all times? FREAKIN DO IT!!
Sinbeau Says: Ha ha! You should get a tattoo that says “no ragerts” like that meme
Q: I'm thinking of hiring a three man team to start a war. A Sicilian, a Giant, and a great swordsman. What do you think?
WOW! What a great QUESTION anonymous reader!
So there’s actually a DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THIS!? It’s called the PRINCESS BRIDE and it is such a sick movie. You should check it out. I’m sorry to spoil it for you, but if you don’t have time to watch, the doc teaches you what to do here: hire Dread Pirate Roberts instead. It’ll take a miracle to win the war, but he’s got miracles in spades!
LONG SERIOUS QUESTION
hi himbeau. i’ve been working out a lot lately. i went into the new year with the intention of getting comfortable in the gym and guess what? i’m there. hooray. my only issue now is that it has made me uncomfortably aware of my body and my appearance. i mean the thoughts are constantly consuming my mind. i just want to be beautiful, and i feel that i am beautiful, but the gym has made me hungry to be even more so, perhaps unattainably so.
i’m sure you work out, i mean maybe you’ve dealt with this before? let me know
WOW what a great question ANONYMOUS reader!
I do work out! I like to jump ropes and row and punch my punching bag, Mr. Rogers! It is very good for my heart, mind, and body to do these things, and I am glad you are taking care of yourself too! ENDORPHINS RULE.
My friend, you ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!! I am glad you feel that you are, but you should also KNOW that you are :) Your body is just a tool for your mind to explore the world around you. It has nothing to do with your beauty. You can sculpt your body to be the most honed instrument in the history of bodies but it will not change how beautiful you already are.
Imagine if someone was like “wow now that you have more muscle tone, you are so beautiful!” That would make you feel kind of bad right? Because they were attaching your value to your appearance? Now imagine the person saying that is YOURSELF…does it make you feel any better? Nah. Because your appearance has nothing to do with your self worth.
Keep working out and keep getting stronger! Taking care of yourself is what’s beautiful; the shape of your body is a byproduct not THE product. If you try to make it THE product, you aren’t really taking care of yourself. You can do the math from here, lover ;)
MEDIUM SILLY QUESTION
Hey himbeau it’s **** :) so you may or may not know but my friend ***** ******* is under the impression that she’s a cactus plant that only requires water once every two weeks. Do you have any advice on how to get her to drink water like a reasonable human?
WOW WHAT A GREAT QUESTION ANONYMOUS USER!
Drinking water is so important. Water rules. HYDRATE! If you don’t have water for three days, you’re almost certainly gonna die. If a human being could go without water for two weeks, they would be a desiccated husk. So I pose a counter question: maybe your friend is in fact a cactus????
Don’t fret, anonymous, your friend probably gets their water in other ways (tea, coffee, sodas), and while these things aren’t a great at hydration, they can survive just as well with them.
One final tip: maybe you should buy her a cute water bottle and tell her its filled with secret star juice? It worked in Space JAM!!
Sinbeau says: ha ha ha, you should pinch her nose and pour water in her mouth! that will make her drink for sure! MAH HA HA!!!
Q: hello himbeau how do i become famous
Wow what a great question anonymous reader!
The easiest way to become famous is to have famous parents; have you tried that? Otherwise, it seems to be a matter of developing a sweet talent and getting lucky. Are you doing things that help you be lucky? I’m not talking about horseshoes and clovers and the number seven. I’m talking about being consistent with your intentions. Good stuff follows when you stay disciplined with your dream-chasing.
One thing you should ask yourself: what does famous MEAN? A lot of people are famous for bad stuff. Like that CEO that got busted for cheating on his wife at a coldplay concert. Do you want to be famous like that? Do you want to be famous like Taylor Swift? Where you have entire nations worth of people dissecting your every word and gesture? I’m going to ask you to consider one more option
Famous Amos. Heard of it? It’s a delicious chocolate chip cookie brand. I think that’s what you should do. Just be kinda small, very sweet, shareable, and honest. Then you’ll be plenty Famous in my book.
Q: I like to pee outside but I’m a girl. HLP
WOW what a great question anonymous reader!
Peeing outside is pretty cool because it feels kinda naughty (I’m assuming you’re doing it in the woods like a forest creature and not on someone’s property because that IS actually pretty naughty and you shouldn’t do that). I’m sympathetic to your problem. The underwear/pants fly is one of the greatest inventions since pants themselves. Male privilege amirite?
I have a couple ideas that might help you with your problem. Try wearing a skirt! That will make it easier to go when nature calls. I understand that this is not ideal always ideal, but did you know there is a device that can help level the peeing field? Look into the shewee!
Sinbeau says: Ha ha ha! Why don’t you just be a man and go in your pants???!!
LONG SERIOUS QUESTION
whaddup himbeau. i need help.
i miss my ex. well not quite. i don’t want to get back together necessarily, but i want him to want me again. i know this is bad but ignore the lack of ethics here and help me get my huzz back (in theory not in practice). xoxo thanks so much
WOW what a great question, anonymous reader!
It sounds like you don’t really miss this guy (and he sucks for leaving you btw) but you miss the feelings of attention he gave you. It’s pretty normal to want to be seen and feel loved. In fact, it would be abnormal if you didn’t want this. You shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting this.
Have you considered that he DOES still want you but his pride and shame are keeping him from being honest about it? Don’t sweat about what he says or does. Just internalize with me. “Oh yeah, he def wants me.” Feel it? Ofc you do, you’re such a baddie.
That feeling you miss will come again. IT ALWAYS DOES NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU THINK IT IS DEAD FOREVER. Always. If you say “nuh uh himbeau that was my last chance”…well you’re wrong. I want you, okay? So forget about him and realize that you are worthy. You don’t need his validation to be worthy. The only huzz you need is yourself bb
Sinbeau says: omg get a room?!
Himbeau, I have a book I've always wanted to write, but it's based on actual events from my life and I worry it may be too personal to share. It would be turned into fiction, but anyone who knows me in real life would know, it is indeed, not all fiction. Thoughts?
WOW what a great question anonymous reader!
This is easy. JUST CHANGE THEIR NAMES! If they come to you and say “um anonymous, is this about me” all you have to do is toss your hair and say “wow obsessed with me much?” and they will become so ashamed of their selfishness they won’t press for more information.
Is it true, though? If it’s the truth, they shouldn’t really be uncomfortable with the honesty, so long as you take a few steps to protect their identity (change their name, age, appearance a little). I mean, that’s just history, right? In a similar vein, you could just go to them and say “hey friend, I am writing this sweet book and there’s some stuff in it based on our relationship; is it okay if I share that?” Give them a chance to politely decline instead of projecting your worry onto them. Heck, maybe they want the world to know the story too? If they are uncomfortable with it, maybe just keep it as a story between you two. The intimacy of a story only two people in the universe know is an incredible gift and it’s okay to cherish it.
Sinbeau says: Ha ha ha! SCREW EM! TELL ALL and get that BAG honey!!
I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GREAT TIME WITH HIMBEAU HELPS THIS WEEK! I have more questions to answer and will get to them next week but my tummy is growling and I need some chicken tenders. If YOU have a question, click the button below to ask and we’ll get to it soon~
LUV U
:>
Very entertaining read!
this is AWESOME. you guys are the best and give really good advice! i’ll have to anonymously submit a question or three next time ;)