OH my GOSH it is a NEW week. HOW IS E V E R Y B O D Y doing?? We got a slew of great questions this week and I’m gonna help how’s I can. It’s what my buddy Fred always said to do. Just do your best!
I’m here with my arch-nemesis and local mean guy Sinbeau who keeps threatening to take the keyboard and answer things. I’ll try to keep him civil without using violence.
Let’s go!
Q: I have this one friend, B***. He’s real f%cking a$$hole sometimes; he wont finish the last chapter of F******* D******, or at least he wont share it with me. What should I do?
WHOA what a GREAT question anonymous reader!
Maybe he won’t share the chapter with you because he’s afraid that when you’re done reading the book, you won’t want to be his friend anymore. Like when I’m eating a basket of chicken tenders from Denny’s, sometimes I hesitate while eating the last one because I just don’t want it to be over. Yeah, yeah, delaying the inevitable, but everyone knows that the journey is the thing, not the destination. This is the metaphorical equivalent of him standing in the doorway when it’s time to go home but he just doesn’t want to leave because he’s having such a good time with you.
So, I think you should reassure him that it’s all gonna be okay and that he can just share another book with you when that one is done! Another trick: tell him you will buy him some chicken tenders once you have the chapter in your inbox. I bet you’ll have it by dinnertime.
Sinbeau says: Ha ha ha! This guy B*** sounds like a real lazy jerk. You should tell him he’s a lazy jerk and publicly shame him for not releasing the chapter. Better yet, it sounds like you have all the other chapters? Just take them and publish yourself. Serves him right for not finishing it. The law says it’s only copyrightable if it’s finished.
Editor note: Sinbeau is not a lawyer. Consult with your lawyer. Better yet, ignore Sinbeau…awful.
Q: Hello himbeau will u run for the president
WOW! What a great question, anonymous reader!
Gee whiz I would love to be the president of something. Probably not the United States or any other nation though because some nations don’t have presidents and the ones that do seem to like it if a jerk is in charge. I don’t think I’m a jerk, at least I hope not, so I am probably not qualified! Who knows though, maybe someone will write me in as their choice in their next election.
When I was in High School I ran for student body treasurer because the treasurer got to carry around a gray lockbox full of money at student council functions. It was like being a pirate with a sweet treasure chest. That kinda seems like a better job than the president. But, you have my ambition bones tingling. What if. WHAT IF. I was president of Chicken Tenders. I could eat so many all the time and everyone would say “another tender, mister president?” and I would definitely say yes, even if I wasn’t hungry. Because how would it look if I was president of chicken tenders and said no to a chicken tender???
Hopefully you write back in so I can make you my campaign manager!
MUSTARD WRITES IN!
Hello! Mustard’s human assistant drinks three liters of water a day. Sometimes more. They are always using the bathroom on company time. Mustard is not paying them as they are unsure how to. Perhaps this is something you can help them with later. How does Mustard let their human assistant know they use the bathroom too much during the day? Will their bladder explode if Mustard restricts their bathroom time?
Wow what a great question Mustard!
As for how to pay them…you know the answer buddy. Three words: CHICKEN FREAKING TENDERS!
Now on to business. Are they really using the bathroom too much? According to Medical News Today, people pee between six to seven times a day. How often is your assistant going? Assuming he has an eight hour shift, as long as he’s going only two or three times, he’s within the standard set by the fine folks at MNT. But we gotta be careful here because EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT! You must know that mustard comes in a BUNCH of different bottle shapes: sometimes it’s a cool barrel shape, or the classic yellow tube, or the modern ergonomic bottle with the anti-splatter spigot. Human bladders come in different shapes too. Maybe the human just has a smaller bottle, you know? Also, if he’s like me he drinks A B U N C H of water everyday because hydration is essential to happiness. Maybe he’s just trying to be as happy as possible.
My recommendation is this: come up with an agreed upon number of breaks a day. Since he goes a lot, let’s say once every 2 hours, or up to four a work day. If he stays within this cadence, he gets FOUR CHICKEN TENDERS. But everytime he strays outside his quota, you subtract a tender. I bet you’ll stop losing productivity then. I don’t know if the bladder can actually explode but I have heard horror stories. Don’t risk it buddy!
Sinbeau says: Make the meatbag wear a diaper and chain him to his desk. You’re not paying him nothing so he can pee when he wants. Also ban cups from your office. He won’t need to go to the bathroom if he can’t drink anything. Don’t listen to idiotbeau about hydration. The dry brain works faster than the wet one. That’s why all smart people live in deserts.
Q: There’s a girl on here who is THIRSTY. Like visibly, embarrassingly thirsty. For every man. What’s up with her and can you make it stop??
WOW what a great question anonymous user!
Man if she’s thirsty, the solution is so simple….give her water? There are so many questions about drinking water and peeing here. Maybe we should just write a big PSA about this.
Sinbeau says: The submitter means thirsty as in horny. No, not spiky. How do you function? She is saying she is salaciously flirting with everyone on the feed. SHE WANTS TO BONE THEM!
Oh! Well then. I apologize for getting it wrong, anonymous reader. Assuming Sinbeau isn’t lying to me. If she’s annoying, you could just block or mute. But I get it, that feels mean.
Sinbeau says: Also seeing a messy basketcase on main is fun. Don’t act like you’re above it. I know you love watching 90-Day Fiancee.
Sinbeau, you know I’m more of a The Bachelorette guy. ANYWAY. Stop interrupting. We’re never going to answer this question. So when someone is clamoring for attention it usually means one of a few things. They feel very lonely and the attention of other people make them feel better. They might not have been hugged enough when they were a child which is pretty sad when you think about it. Or maybe they are just a Leo.
There’s no way to stop people from doing this. They have to do it themselves. And if you want THAT to happen, you should befriend this person. Remind them everyday that they are special and don’t need anyone else’s validation to be special. That’s what Fred always said. Eventually they will realize they don’t need to, ah, thirst, for other people to be happy and you will be less annoyed! This may take years, though.
Sinbeau says: The actual solution is to let it annoy you and gossip about it with your friends. You will feel so good gossiping I promise. ENJOY IT!
Q: himbeau himbeau with the facts
who’s the hottest one on the stacks
OH. MY. GOSH. A riddle?!
WOOWOWOW. What a great question/riddle, anonymous reader. YOU ARE THE HOTTEST ONE ON THE STACKS FOR BRINGING ME A RIDDLE!
So like. This reminds me of this really cool movie I saw once. It was a cartoon but it had this killer song in it about hi-ho hi-ho off to work we go that was so great. There was this mirror in that this extremely hot queen would ask “who is the fairest one of all” and it would show this girl, Snow White…because she was skinned. Get it? Fairest?
I think queen was asking the wrong question though. You might think, “fairest” as in most impartial. The movie got this wrong if that was the case because Snow White was NOT impartial. She liked apples over other fruits which isn’t very fair at all. In fact, the fairest of them all is probably the mirror itself because it has the power to judge things like who is the fairest. That’s Athena-tier stuff.
But let’s think about this a little more. The fairest one of all is OBVIOUSLY the king of fairs. Phineas T. Barnum. When you think of fairs, you inevitably think of cotton candy, tilt-a-whirls, and the Prime Ringmaster himself. That’s the answer to the riddle. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING that was so fun.
Sinbeau says: I literally hate all of you. Also the hottest one on the stacks is obviously YOUR MOM.
Q: Himbeau, how do I quiet the voices in my head without hurting their feelings?
WOW what a great question Anonymous Reader!
So I used to hang out with this very beautiful librarian when I was in college and she would always look afraid when she’d see me coming. But then she would smile and say sweetly, “How about we play a game today?”
And I would be like OK!! because I love to play games.
“Let’s play the quiet game” she would say and let me tell you, I AM SUPER GOOD at the quiet game. I won every single time. And it felt awesome. A few years later, someone said to me “himbeau she was just trying to get you to be quiet without hurting your feelings.”
WOW! She became even more beautiful because it in fact did not hurt my feelings and she got what she wanted. So, I think you should try asking the voices to play the quiet game too! Award chicken tenders if they are stubborn. It works on me :D
Sinbeau says: Hey Himbeau, want to play the quiet game???
EXTREMELY COOLLY FORMATTED QUESTION
This GREAT anonymous question is for both Himbeau and Sinbeau: My problem is I want to know what Himbeau's and Sinbeau's favorite memories are. Every time I eat chicken tenders, I can't stop wondering about it. I just feel like my food would taste much richer if I knew more about Himbeau and Sinbeau.
WOW! What a great question anonymous!
I almost wish you had not formatted it so expertly because it kind of looks like I wrote it, which would be against the spirt of this column! BUT THAT’S OK! I am not mad, in fact I would like to buy you some chicken tenders. I can’t believe that you think they would taste better if you knew more about us that is SO nice and I kind of love you forever now. I mean, I already did, but now even more so.
So my favorite memory is from this time I was dating extremely beautiful singer-songwriter Michelle Branch. She was playing her guitar and writing the lyrics to my favorite of her songs, Breathe, and she said “hey sweet boy that one’s for you” and she winked at me. I said “haha Michelle I love you forever, let’s get married” and she was like HOLD ON you just gave me a great idea. “You are so sweet you remind me of a candy store. That’s the final piece I needed to make my friend Santana’s song complete. THANK YOU YES LET’S GET MARRIED?!”
And then I woke up. So it was all totally a dream but it is DEFINITELY one of my favorite memories. Michelle seems so happy these days which is great because I love her.
Sinbeau says: More of you should ask me questions directly because this guy sucks. But my favorite memory? Let’s see. In the summer of 2011, it was a hot night at the local reservoir. A small marina where rich yuppies would launch sailboats and wear tacky captain hats. I’d wander down there with a bamboo rod and a linen shirt to watch the sunset. Saffron skies faded to velvety indigo as the last rays of the day gilded lilac clouds. On windless evenings, the surface of the water was sleek as glass, and dragonflies would dart over the surface. The crickets played strings while the occasional leaping bass kept time with a laconic percussion. The waitress from the nearby boatyard was intoxicating. Her mussed hair was the color of melted chocolate, and her eyes, though tired, held a vivacity that dimmed the brilliance of the constellations coalescing above. For once, the chaos of the world muted as our eyes met, and her burgundy lips curved, a katana smile that promised a so much. I set aside my pole and bucket and—
OKAY! BUDDY! I have heard this story before and it is not appropriate. Your favorite memory is that time you got the Battletoads game on the gameboy and let’s leave it at that.
Editor note: There was a brawl. Everything is okay.
LONG SERIOUS QUESTION
hey himbeau. writing to you with an odd predicament. both my bestfriends are getting married. for reference none of us are older than 20. strangely i feel like im behind in life! what an odd thing to feel behind when my life has just begun! anyways it’s bringing the yearner out in me in an unhealthy way.. i just want a man so bad! and i have zero prospects and years of schooling eating away my social life ahead of me :( what’s a single girl to do?!
WOW WHAT A GREAT QUESTION anonymous reader.
What IS a single girl to do? My dear, you have the greatest gift of all: youth and time and the wits to observe how your life is going. You do whatever makes your soul sing and damn the rest.
It is impossible to be behind in life. So much of the stories we tell and the technology we use treat life like it’s some kind of competition or checklist. WHAT? No. Life is like a rollercoaster. You know rollercoasters? My favorite one is probably THE BEAST at King’s Island in Ohio. IT RULES. You go up, you go down, you rattle and shake. But if you look at it, it’s a circle. A loop. You can’t get behind in something that loops, you just keep looping based on where you are. And YOU HAVE FUN DOING IT!!
You don’t have zero prospects, my darling, you have infinite. Do you know that? You can do whatever you want, and it sounds like you’re going to use some of that time to go to school. SCHOOL RULES! You get to learn something new and meet new people and find out what it is that quiets the raging storm of existence. Your friends may be getting married (sweeeeet) but that’s just because that’s what they think is right for them right now. You’re just on a different part of the track right now, honeybunch.
The law of the conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created, nor destroyed; but only transformed from one form to another. Love is another kind of energy, you know and you can’t create it. You can’t force it. You may think you want “a man” so bad, but you don’t NEED one. You’ll get there, and I’m gonna teach you how with a super duper secret. Ready?
Go look in a mirror. Look at the flawed, messy, scared girl you see there. It’s okay she’s all these things because she’s human and it’s normal and she’s beautiful because there’s nothing special about how imperfect she is and she’s perfect because of how special she is. Don’t you love her? Of course you do. She’s wonderful. Just love her. Just her.
When you love yourself, and love yourself unashamedly it makes it impossible for other people to not love you too. Because you make it look easy and they’ll wanna share in that. I super-duper promise everything will be okay if you do that.
You’re doing so great. I’m proud of you and keep it up <3
Oh no.
himbeau! wassup my guy!
i’m stuck on the toilet rn which is usually fine but it’s bad rn bc im on a date with an absolute dime piece. obviously i won’t here back from u in time but what’s should i do next time i have explosive diarrhea from too spicy indian food on a first date? would love to hear your thoughts
Wow….what a great question, anonymous reader.!
I hope you learned your lesson here, friend, that if you are going on a first date with someone and they say “hey let’s go get Indian food” you should say ‘whoa pump the breaks, I have some sensitive digestive issues and should probably eat something gentler!’ If they are worth your time, they will be cool with this strategy.
Sinbeau says: Did you literally read the same thing I just read? He said it was a DIME PIECE? How do you back down from a dime piece’s challenge to eat the best food in the world? One thing you could do next time is order 17 pieces of naan and just eat that. Wink suggestively several times and say “Im carbo loading for later” and assuming they aren’t a complete dunce, they will know that you intend to make vindaloo-tier love to them and they will go UHH CHECK PLEASE because they’d obv rather do that with you than have a stupid awkward dinner.
That’s….kinda not a bad idea actually? You could always doordash chicken tenders later…
WRITING ADVICE!
Dear Himbeau, My hero refused to enter the haunted forest in chapter seven. I told him the plot was in there. He said he didn't care about the plot. Himbeau, neither do I anymore. We have been in a standoff for eleven days. My editor keeps emailing. I have begun forwarding her emails directly to him. Update: he has not responded to the emails. He is being very difficult for a man I invented on a Tuesday.
WOW what a great question, anonymous author!
I don’t blame the hero here. Forests are pretty scary because they have spooky trees, owls, wolves, and GIANT SPIDER webs that cross the trails and kind of suck to walk through. And yours was HAUNTED? Oof. Plot isn’t worth it.
You know what is though? Of course you do. CHuh ICK EN TENDERSSS. I bet if you put a plate of em deep in the heart of the forest he woulda braved all that stuff. Worked for Scooby Doo every single time, and look how his career turned out.
In my experience people are often “difficult” when they are hungry, which kind of lends weight to my theory. But you could also try one other thing. Sometimes we feel a little braver when we have an item that grounds us. A lot of people mistake a weapon for courage, which my friend Fred says is a bad move, so I agree. But you know what helps me when I’m a little scared? My little stuffed Stich doll. He’s so goofy looking, I smile so big that no terror could possibly stop me. Perhaps you could give him a plushy friend that wanders into the forest. Our friends often help us do the scary things we don’t want to do; usually the right things are also the scary ones, unfortunately.
Sinbeau says: Have you considered making the ghosts in the forest SEXY? Name one man who wouldn’t want to roam around nature while a bunch of hotties moan around them? Exactly, you can’t do it. Problem solved. Include a scene where he gets possessed by a ghost and learns all their erotic desires in a way no earthly mortal could possible show him and it would be so hot that you would sell 200 million copies. I’m on to something I tell you.
WHEW that’s all the questions in the spreadsheet! WOW I am so tired and dehydrated. I am going to drink a quart of water and plug in my air fryer. If you guys want MORE help from us next week, click the shiny button below:
LOVE YOU BYEBYE
Let me offer you some chicken tendies!! 🍗 😂😂😂
Who has the best chicken tenders, Himbeau?