AND ANOTHER THING
Trivialities that grind my gears
This is a paid post for the three BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE who subscribe to me. I rarely require you to pay to read my stuff, but I don’t want to give this information out easily. My enemies have to give me money in order to use this against me.
I am safe from you cheapskates. HA HA HA.
WRITING RANTS
Nonplussed
Will you people understand that nonplussed doesn’t mean “unbothered”? It means you are so confused you’re shocked into being unable to speak. Absolutely hate when people use it for the former. I unsubscribed from someone for doing it.
Lesser vs Fewer
AND ANOTHER THING.
There’s a different between lesser and fewer. You use fewer when you can count the quantity. Less when you mean “to the degree which.” You don’t want less chicken nuggets. You want FEWER chicken nuggets. GRAAAHHH!!
“It’s Not <thing>. It’s <other thing>”
AND ANOTHER THING.
I see this nonsense on substack a lot now. People will be writing about, I dunno, a turtle, and they’ll be like “It’s not reptile. It’s animated patience.”
Stop this right now. You think it sounds profound, but it doesn’t. It sounds like AI wrote your poem about turtles which is incredibly sad. It’s not cool. It’s platitudinous.
See? Did you not ALSO get a little pissed off reading that? I did. I’m about to cut my hands off for making the joke.
Dick-and-janing
AND ANOTHER THING.
Stop writing declarative sentences explaining what an idea is five different ways. “Love is presence. It’s attention. It’s flowers at brunch. It’s chocolate.” NO. This reads like the Fun with Dick And Jane stories that stopped being interesting in the first grade. USE A CONJUNCTION. We have mostly developed frontal lobes, so it’s okay to write a compound sentence with several dependent clauses. And then you can vary it with a shorter sentence for impact. THIS IS BASIC FRESHMAN WRITING AND IT IS NOT HARD.
Sure, you may have removed passive voice (probably not with all those linking verbs) and tried to use good vocabulary, but your writing sounds like a marketing person trying to sell me something. Do you know how many ads I read a day? Do you know how badly I don’t need your essay on the nature of love to NOT read like a salespitch?
Thesaurusing
AND ANOTHER THING.
Speaking of vocabulary. I hate it when it’s obvious you were insecure about a sentence you wrote and you try to dress it up by visiting the thesaurus. Your original sentence was something like “Dawn broke over the horizon.” And you read that and thought. OH NO I SOUND LIKE DICK AND JANE, BETTER USE FANCY WORDS. And your sentence becomes “A flaming ball of gas billions of miles away heaved itself over the line where the terrestrial became the firmament gilding the nascent clumps of water molecules swathed in the mauve-and-salmon armor.”
Bro.
This is the opposite of what I was just complaining about. Now you’re trying too hard to sound intelligent or to flex a vocabulary no one cares you have. Just because you know the notes doesn’t mean you understand the music. You look like a fool when you do not. It grates on my spine so much, ESPECIALLY when there is an editor involved. WHY DID YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN?
Not “explaining like I’m five”
AND ANOTHER THING.
Do you ever see someone say “explain like I’m five _______ <some complex topic>?” You’ll see it a lot on reddit in particular, but it’s also broken containment and often shortened as ELI5.
I absolutely CANNOT STAND when someone replies with something that no five year old would get. Five year olds are NOT stupid, but they don’t know jargon, so if you use jargon in your answer YOU HAVE FAILED. You need to use simple language and concepts that a five year old gets. If you say “adiabatic cooling” in your answer, you are NOT TALKING TO A FIVE YEAR OLD.
DRIVING RANTS
Failing to Use Turn Signals
AND ANOTHER THING.
When you are turning, or changing lanes. Use your goddamn turn signals. I don’t like to guess which way you’re going. I want to know if you intend to come over in my lane or if you’re too busy trying to DM your egirl that you’re drifting. BE INTENTIONAL
Riding your Brakes
AND ANOTHER THING.
If you use your brakes to maintain your speed, YOU SUCK. If your brake lights come on, that means you are stopping. If you need to drop your speed by a couple miles per hour, just take your foot off the gas for one second. If you constantly tap your brakes it means I have to pay way too much attention to you. GET OFF THE ROAD IF YOU CANNOT DO THIS EASY THING.
Driving a Dodge Ram
AND ANOTHER THING.
These are the worst people on the road. They are always all the way up on your bumper with their bright ass headlights in your rearview. Driving 78mph at 3mpg. Probably with a sticker of a rifle in the back window and those stupid truck nutz hanging from the hitch. Dodge Ram is an indicator you belong in a social class just above barbarian.
Tailgating me
AND ANOTHER THING.
Bro? Are you trying to climb into my trunk? GET THE HELL OFF MY BUMPER. You are not going to get where you want faster. You are just going to end up at the red light we’re going to get to except you’ll be there 2 seconds sooner. I was already driving over the speed limit but NOW we’re going the exact speed limit the whole way there and we’re gonna get to the red light 1 second later. Oh wait, now we don’t have to wait at the light anymore because I was driving an appropriate speed.
STOP THIS AT ONCE.
House Rants
Napkins on the Floor
AND ANOTHER THING.
Nothing bugs me more than a crinkled up napkin on the floor. It drives me BATTY. I hate it. Pick it up. Immediately. Otherwise it’s going to get wet, and shred, and leave little feathery bits of paper everywhere and then we have the Bounty equivalent of glitter all over the floor.
This also goes for dryer sheets. GOD I hate seeing these flaccid bits of paper on the ground.
When the Garbage Disposal Plug Gets Flipped Over
AND ANOTHER THING.
When the garbage disposal plug flips over in the garbage disposal. It’s the worst thing ever. I think about removing the entire sink and starting over when this happens. Especially when there’s water in the sink and the plug gets vacuum sealed upside down in there. OH. MY. GOD. And then I have to get out a butter knife to pry it out? While my sleeves get wet and my hands get chapped by greasy turkey wash? BRO GET OUT OF HERE.
When the plastic wrap sticks to itself
AND ANOTHER THING.
When you go to cover a dish with plastic wrap and after you rip the sheet using the awful serrated edge built into the box and the sheet FLICKS BACK INTO ITSELF AND STICKS.
It makes a giant wad of waste. OH MY GOD. I just want to throw away the whole roll. Nothing ruins leftovers faster.
When the packing tape shreds
AND ANOTHER THING.
You know when you go to use packing tape, and it’s clear as hell so you can’t find the end and you have to spend 10 minutes rolling it in different lighting to see where MAYBE you need to dig your finger nail to be able to use it? And then…when you finally find it, the FKCING TAPE SPLITS IN THE MIDDLE so instead of getting a usable piece of tape, you just rip off a thin ribbon of uselessness? WHY GOD
And another thing.
Thank you for reading.
I like being told I’m beautiful